How daily self enquiry can transforms my health

Last week I had one of the most amazing yoga practices, despite a broken and dislocated toe! At the time I was on day 3 of a juice fast. I had more energy than ever and felt light and full of enthusiasm. My body felt flexible and my mind strong and focused. I honestly could have practised for hours more if I didn’t have to go to work. When I got to work I was so vibed, I felt incredible, full of energy and super productive.

This week however, everything changed completely. I woke up this morning feeling like I had either been run over by a bus or had the worst hangover ever!! I dragged myself out of my bed, had a shower and revived myself ready for yoga practice. I thought I just need to bend and breathe a bit and that will sort me out and knock out the virus.

On the mat, my concentration kept diverting to thoughts of a dear family member that is terminally ill. Physically, I felt like I was practising with a different person’s body. Every joint felt inflamed, every muscle felt like plastic with no malleability whatsoever, my bones seemed to hurt and my overall energy was zero.  I wearily worked my way through the standing series of Ashtanga, before opting for some restorative poses and relaxation.

It got me thinking; Yoga is so incredibly humbling. It bridges the gap of self enquiry and helps us to understand on a very deep level how our health is, mentally and physically, whenever we come to the mat. Reflecting on my Buddhist studies, I realise that we should never come to our mats (or any situation for that matter) with expectations of being able to do this or that. Non-attachment to the outcome is essential for us to relax and be with our experience, which is always changing moment to moment; sometimes we can climb mountains, sometimes only mole hills. The ability to respect and honour our capabilities at any given the time is integral to our growth and understanding of self.

Having a regular practice, I notice the subtle differences of my physical, emotional and mental health on a daily basis. On days where there is a lot of mental resistance, I know this is when I am suppressing emotions or avoiding facing up to something that will rear its ugly head should I cut off distraction and be with my breath. Unhealthy diet choices or flights cause chaos for my digestion and inflammation in my body. Sugar and caffeine causes my mind to become irritated, agitated and heart rate to speed up which makes for a challenging yoga or meditation practice. Stress holds tension in every part of my body like cement. But when my diet is right and my world is calm, I am able to practice or sit with ease and my body is as flexible as Plasticine.

I guess that is why a daily practice is not just a daily workout on the mat, it’s a time to tune in and listen to what my body and mind is telling me. By honouring my state of health in that moment I can adjust my lifestyle choices for that day and pick the right tools to nourish me. That is why a daily practice of some kind is so important, to cultivate that connection and kindness to self so that we can be proactive and take responsibility for our own health and happiness. Taking just 5-10 minutes out of your day for your own well being, could have a more profound effect than you think. So think of this time as a little science experiment. Make it fun, but most importantly make it happen, and see how your attitude to your health transforms. 

Learning to let go and live in the flow

As we move into the vibration of the new year, our minds naturally look back and reflect on the past past 12 months and what it has brought us. For me, this practice is integral in moving forward in my life. Of course, we tend to ponder on what went wrong, our failures or faux pas, or maybe even who wronged us. But what we don't spend enough time doing is focusing on our achievements, be them big or small, obvious or hidden. Its these nuggets of gold that are propelling us forward into new light and if we miss these beautiful moments by overshadowing them in the doubt and fear of the negative stuff, we really have missed the point.

I will be honest, the past year has been fun, fraught, transitional, at times seemingly stagnant, but ultimately humbling yet rewarding for me. I have come to learn lots about myself, and much of it not too positive. Yet without this recognition, I would be unable to make changes and move forward positively. This year has taught me that we shouldn't measure ourselves on our successes and failures, rather the ability to ride life's roller coaster with acceptance, resilience, patience and presence no matter what challenge or celebration is presented to us.

I always strive to be an achiever, moving swiftly from one thing to the next. Always thinking of the next goal, the next course or qualification, the next step in my career or personal life. I am one of those annoying people that love a good list to cross things off of, even to the point where I write things on just to cross off. Sad but true! But when you spend your life speeding along in this manner, you don't actually get the opportunity to bask in your achievements. To enjoy the glory of your goal, the satisfaction of accomplishment and humble gratitude that all your hard work paid off. Not stopping to enjoy the moment, means you're constantly on the move and burning yourself out into oblivion. And that's what happened to me at the end of 2015. I had created an immensely successful and fulfilling business, yet to get there I had worked tirelessly day and night on new ideas, marketing, planning, creating and of course literally living, breathing, eating and sleeping my business until all that was left was an empty shell of burnt out energy which resembled the former me.

Feeling unhappy with where I was living, I took a huge punt and literally sold everything I owned to move back home with my parents in Cornwall for some time out. I also lost the closest thing to me, my best friend and companion, Boris the dog. Heartbroken, I took a few months out to just relax and try and find me again. To remember what it was like to relax and actually HAVE FUN without feeling guilty. I spent a month surfing in Sri Lanka, but spent a large portion of that preparing and studying for the yoga course I was doing in India the month after. India was a beautiful month spent with inspiring people, yet instead of feeling inspired, motivated and refreshed, I was already looking forward to my next steps and piling on the pressure as to what my next move would be.
"I am 36, I can't go back and live with my parents for long, I have to have a successful business, buy my own place, prove to the world that I am worthy...."
After that, I went to Morocco to teach Yoga retreats on a short term contract. It was hard work, but very enjoyable and I loved meeting new people and sharing my passion. But again, I was planning, stressing, worrying that I should be at home creating my new life, all the while my ACTUAL life which was pretty awesome, was passing me by unnoticed.

For the rest of the year I have been working at a local hotel as a waitress. First part time while I got my business shit together, then eventually full time when I lost all patience, confidence and faith that I could ever be successful in my own business again. Since then I have been constantly beating myself up at not being the top of my game, not achieving and being so far back in my life in terms of material and social status that my confidence and self esteem has taken a huge beating. A beating from myself only of course, no one else really cares what you're up to in life, it's only our minds that create this delusional perception. And with all my training, experiential knowledge and spiritual wisdom, I am only human and sometimes that shit just gets me down and other times I can rise above it with full awareness, strength and determination to get back on top. After all, its our minds and our choices that create our lives, so we really do need to be fully aware and present of what we are creating instead of filling our lives with distraction so that we can live in ignorance and blame the crappy stuff on external influence. Although I hate to admit it, I think I have been hanging in that energy for a while... On the flip side, I have enjoyed being able to go to other peoples yoga classes instead of always teaching, a steady income, more playtime and a break from my laptop :)

But now, the new year has arrived and I still have no fixed plan, no idea what is around the corner or where I am striving to be. But instead, I have a new vision. Not of the place I want to be in life, but of the person I aspire to be. And instead of all this rushing, overwhelm, perceived under achieving, procrastination and anxiety, I choose to create something else. I choose to live in the flow, to have faith that whatever comes is right for me as my life is right now. After all, when you let go of all that pressure and expectation, you create space for opportunity and divine guidance. So I am going to stop worrying and planing the future, and instead enjoy everything I have right here and now. I realise that all that time spent worrying about what I haven't got or haven't achieved, I am totally living in lack and that only attracts more of the same. To live an abundant life, you must truly appreciate and be grateful for all that you have right now. I have intellectually learnt that many times and I practice gratitude everyday, however, now I realise I don't just have to practice gratitude, I need to feel and believe it to truly be present and enjoy the abundance of life. And I really do have an amazing life, so this year my resolution is just to enjoy it fully with faith and presence, have fun and give myself a bloody break! :)