I just filled out a legal form with the usual questions... title: Miss (yes, at 36 I have never been married), marital status: single (yep, still single), age range: 36-40 (well that's depressing)
I felt my heart sink and the usual feelings of inadequacy, a little bit of shame, fear and what the heck is wrong with me?? type of crap come up. I had to pull myself back into check. I used to get sad about this, I used to have (probably due to those pesky body clock hormones) an intense urge to need to reproduce, but that has all passed now. I am actually feeling super chilled about it all. When I was in my late twenties and early thirties, the dreaded Facebook was filled with announcements of engagements and pregnancies and then of course the wedding and new baby pics. Always being the single one at weddings and getting the 'single persons interrogation followed by pity and a promise of a set up with some wedding random against my will' treatment. Not to mention missing out on all the 'couples' dinner parties and 'family' days out. All these things used to make me feel super anxious, inadequate, under pressure to do the same and generally crappy about myself. In fact, I actually decided to take myself off of Facebook for sometime and it was the best thing I ever could have done!
But it got me thinking, we are so socially conditioned to repeat certain patterns, to live in a certain way, to do certain things at certain times in life. It's a pretty easy job to follow the herd and conform like a good little sheep, but it takes courage to step off the beaten track and make your own way with your own rules despite what anyone else thinks about it. Instead of sitting around moping about what I didn't do or get, I realised that being in charge of my own life, I had the opportunity to create whatever I wanted. And actually, I have a pretty cushdy life as it goes.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't had relationships, I have had a string of short lived unsuccessful romances. And as I have matured and evolved spiritually it has given me the insight to see the error in my ways. Apart from two significant long term relationships in the beginning of my 'dating career', I have dated mostly guys that I know can't commit. Whether they are commitment phobes, fresh out of a relationship, way too young or just an absolute player, I have dated them and wondered why it all went horribly wrong. I have also been blessed with meeting some lovely guys too, that probably wanted to marry me and have my children, but I have run a mile!
Remembering the 'law of attraction' - we get back what we send out, I realised it was actually all me and the energy that I was giving out was stopping my relationship success. Although on the outside I I wanted a relationship to 'conform' and make me happy, all along, I just wanted to be free. And of course, feel loved (who doesn't). But the love I was seeking, was love and acceptance from myself, and I was looking in all the wrong places. See, when you can't nourish yourself with the love and acceptance you desire, then how can anyone else respect you and see that light in you?? When you think you are 'not good enough to be loved', that's the message you are sending out there.
For most of us, finding compassion and cultivating self love is one of the hardest things to do, but if you really look deep within you, the seeds are there, they just need watering and nurturing. Its a practice that you need to cultivate and diligently practice for the rest of your life, but interestingly the Buddha taught us in the first sutta (thread) 'Love thyself' because you can't give out from an empty heart. Over the years, it has been a transformation for me, but with this new self respect and awareness, I am able to be a bit more discerning as to who I choose to date, with healthier boundaries and less pressure on it having to 'be' anything other than just enjoying getting to know someone.
And whilst all my friends have settled down, got mortgages, marriages and 2.4 children, I have been travelling the world, following my hearts desires, committing myself to my career aspirations, self development and spiritual path, living free and loving life. That is not to say that I think my friends got the raw deal, not at all, I would still be open to experiencing all that too one day, but I am not going to be too upset if it doesn't. The point is, make the most of your life, whatever stage you are at, we are truly blessed to have so many choices and opportunities laid at our feet for the taking, so don't ever get sad about what you haven't got, get excited about what you have got, which is anything you set your heart on!!! Don't follow the herd, follow your heart and be happy.
